‘Recognising marriage in the tax system is something I feel very strongly about and something we will definitely do in the next parliament. We will set out exactly how in due course.’ So says David Cameron, trying to wriggle out of a mess of his own making.

The issue of marriage is part of Cameron’s own ‘core vote strategy’. He wants a policy that appeals to those who fear that society is changing too fast and traditional family life is going to the dogs. His difficulty is not just that tax breaks for married couples are expensive. But Cameron wants the symbolism, the ‘moral’ message that one type of family, the married kind, is superior to others.

How many parents’ great hope is that their children will fall in love, settle down, marry and be happy? The parents who bite their lip when they find their son or daughter has decided to live with someone, still hopeful that it may end with them marrying.

And we all know, not just politicians, that there is something sad and wrong about children growing up without stability, perhaps with a procession of men through their home, in a set up few of us would call a real family.

With broken families in the news, politicians would make a pitch to those people who believe they have made the right choices, fulfilled their responsibilities as providers, protectors, parents and role models?

Let’s be honest. It is not only the Tories who wrestle with this. Labour’s support for families, by removing the married couple’s tax allowance ten years ago and giving tax breaks for those with children, was seen to be morally neutral. Add to that the additional help for lone parents, and support for civil partnerships, and the traditionalists begin to get really uncomfortable.

The truth is that the married couple’s allowance did not reflect the real world. Hardworking young adults were as likely as not to live together for a period before marrying. Some couples have children in stable families without marrying at all. Divorce happens to a proportion of marriages from all backgrounds. Children, however, need stability, love and parenting whatever their parents’ choices.

I think we have to be honest about the facts of family life as we can establish them. Children do best when they are well parented, secure, loved, with stable family arrangements. Marriages aren’t perfect, but generally last longer than cohabitation. The divorce rate is at a 30-year low and the age at which people marry – usually after a period of cohabitation – is rising. The only rising divorce rate is the among over 60s, a sign of retiring couples unwilling to live out their final decades in an unhappy marriage.

So what should politicians do to support families? Well, supporting hard-working families with childcare costs is a good start – a discussion I had with No 10 a few months ago about tax relief on childcare vouchers. In-work tax credits have been successful as well, whatever the problems over payments. And, extending maternity leave, paid parental leave, statutory paid holidays (even though a majority of people could take them for granted) and flexible working all help family life. Indeed, apart from the early weeks after birth, it makes sense to let mum and dad decide who takes these periods of leave.

But what about ‘tax breaks’ for marriage? Even the Tories don’t believe that anyone marries in order to get a few hundred pounds tax break year on year, least of all feckless men who leave young mums high and dry. But here’s one idea for Alistair Darling’s budget: tax break for the biggest family occasions.

Marriages and funerals – both expensive – are often a source of huge financial worry. Marriage represents a moment of high hopes, moments of pride and aspiration. Funerals sometimes represent a period of insecurity, as well as loss, as some families face funerals they simply cannot afford.

How about reducing VAT on all costs of weddings, civil partnerships and funerals, as well as the receptions that go with them? This would help newlyweds, proud parents and bereaved families meet the costs of family occasions that matter hugely. Reducing VAT would benefit those of all faiths and none. It helps people, whatever their income, and it would give a modest boost to the businesses, large and small, that cater for these important family occasions.

My advice, Alistair, is send a message to every family in the country, young and old, that family life matters and Labour will continue to support it.