Worthy of reality TV

I began Business of the House Questions this morning by echoing the prime minister’s congratulations to Professor Higgs for his Nobel prize in physics for his work explaining why the universe has mass. I think his theory might even be able to explain how badgers can move goalposts.

I then raised the offender rehabilitation bill which despite completing its Lords stages well before the summer recess is still yet to make an appearance in the House of Commons. Despite the fact the Commons haven’t yet debated it, the government have already begun preparing to sell off £800m pounds worth of probation services.

I then touched on the sinister gagging bill which the government is rushing through the House as quickly as possible and which last night had its third reading. Because the government did not give proper time for scrutiny of the bill and because it did not consult on it at all before it published it, an independent commission has been set up to analyse it. I asked Andrew Lansley if he would join me in giving evidence to that commission, and if he would commit to delaying the bill until it has reported. He gave neither assurance.

This was the first business questions after the conference season and the reshuffles. I joked that at their conference the Tories dreamed of a land of Hope and Glory but the reality is that with this incompetent government, it’s more a Land of Hopeless Tories. I also said that after his speech at Liberal Democrat conference that the business secretary had changed his answerphone message to that old Liberal Democrat staple – ‘please leave a message after the high moral tone’.

I noted that reshuffles can be a difficult time for all MPs, so I took a minute to recognise the service of all those leaving their respective frontbenches as a result of Monday’s events. I saluted Richard Benyon who lost his government job on Monday and was good-natured enough to repeat a tweet he received after he had been given the bad news: ‘Fisheries minister sacked. Word is he’s gutted’.

For some people, reshuffle day is treated like a nerve-wracking episode of X-Factor. All that was missing on Monday was Dermot O’Leary giving out hugs at the end of Downing Street.

But there were some aspects of the government’s reshuffle that really were worthy of reality TV. We had Jeremy Browne getting sacked for being too rightwing (How Nick Clegg spared himself, I have no idea). Then we had David Cameron’s new strategy to stop backbench rebellions – just give as many people a job as possible. Clearly a small state needs a very big government. Then finally it emerged that the deputy prime minister had put a conspiracy theorist in the Home Office. I am looking forward to the new Home Office minister telling us what really happened at Roswell, whether NASA faked the moon landings and whether Elvis did ever actually leave the building.