Dear minister of state for Europe,
Congratulations. Or should I say felicitations, gratulation, felicitaciones or complimenti?
Welcome to one of the worst jobs in the Labour government. It’s awful for two reasons. One is the relentlessness of the travel. Constant travel to European Union conferences is glamorous, interesting and exciting for about a fortnight. After that, you will start to bitterly resent the time away from your constituents, colleagues and family.
You will be heartily sick of Heathrow’s departure lounge, anonymous Strasbourg hotels, badly translated speeches in your earphones and indifferent Chianti. Soon, you won’t know whether you’re in Tallinn or Bratislava, Ljubljana or Vilnius. I’ve put the FCO standard-issue photo-recognition booklet of EU leaders in your red box, so you don’t confuse Dalia Grybauskaite with Angela Merkel, or Jyrki Tapani Katainen with Janez Jansa. It’s easily done.
You’re also responsible for Gibraltar and the Sovereign Base Areas in Cyprus, so at least you might get the chance of some Mediterranean sunshine.
The best advice I can give is to rely on the excellent FCO officials to write your speeches, set up your meetings, and get you safely to whichever city you’re supposed to be in. Do the work, don’t insult the Germans, stay away from hotel bar and try to come back in one piece.
The second reason it’s awful is because of the conflicted position the UK has with Europe. Your new job has been occupied by virulent anti-Europeans like David Davis and multilingual pro-Europeans like Denis MacShane. You’ll need to decide how far you want to make the political case for a strong EU. My advice is that we’ll never beat the United Kingdom Independence party and the Daily Mail without a strong argument in favour of Britain’s place at the heart of Europe. Go to Berlin to make your first big speech. Take on the sceptics. You can be political too. The Ukip MEPs elected in May 2014 have been shockingly bad: troughing expenses, failing to turn up, making xenophobic remarks. Use your position to highlight how they’ve let the country down.
Some Europe ministers come and go without even being noticed. Others – Douglas Hurd, Malcolm Rifkind, Francis Maude, Peter Hain, Douglas Alexander – use it as a stepping stone. Make sure that you press to attend cabinet when the EU is on the agenda. When she was Europe minister Caroline Flint got annoyed when she was treated like ‘window-dressing’. Push to take a proper role in the government and party.
You certainly don’t want to end up like your predecessor in the coalition government. No, I can’t remember him either. Hang on … I’ll Google it. It was David Lidington. One of his last FCO blogs contained the stunning news that ‘I recently launched the third round of consultations in the Balance of Competences Review, the most extensive analysis of our relationship with the EU ever undertaken.’ He was a busy minister, but what did he achieve?
Despite the hardships of endless first-class travel, the job has potential. If the global crash taught us anything, it is the need for the EU to stick together. Go forth and bash some international bankers, negotiate some trade deals with China, root out corruption, and protect the British consumer. With any luck you won’t be in the job for very long.
Viel Glück!
PS can you bring me back some pralines from that shop on the Rue Royale?
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Paul Richards is a writer and political consultant. He is author of the Memo on … column, part of the Campaign for a Labour Majority; read all his pieces here. He tweets @LabourPaul
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