We’re all busy people. We need shortcuts, what they now call lifehacks. So on the assumption that people who read this column are people who read a lot of columns – online and in newspapers – I’ve got some advice on how to save a lot of time.

Here’s my list of columns you never – never ever – need to read, because I have an instant rebuttal.

 

1. Has Ed Miliband got a strategy?

Yes he has.

That’s why he has had a poll lead for three years.

And the Tories call him a Marxist, and then copy (badly) his policies.

 

2. What does the rise of Ukip mean?

Death to the Tories, that’s all.

A split right can’t win.

But they can send the Tory high command mad – and they have.

 

3. But surely Lynton Crosby’s making a difference?

No.

He’s killing Cameron.

You can win by being anti-green in Australia. But not in the UK – that’s why huskies were hugged.

 

4. Can’t Labour only win because the electoral system is biased against the Tories?

Nope. The Tories are punished by being a regional party of rural England. Driven out of Scotland, Wales, the north, cities and London.

And for 40 years they have been repelling black and ethnic minority voters.

Oh yeah, and they chose this first past the post system when they successfully campaigned against AV. You don’t break the system, you keep it.

 

5. Ukip are taking votes from Labour, just like from the Tories?

True.

But irrelevant.

True, Labour is losing white working-class votes to Ukip. And they will soon be in second place in a whole bunch of seats. Like Ebbw Vale. Yep, utterly safe Labour seats where Ukip replace the Tories as the people who can never win the seat.

 

6. OK, but I’ve heard Scotland’s going to vote for independence. Aren’t Labour sunk?

How many times do I have to say No to you before you get it.

There’s a mere 20 per cent majority against separating Scotland completely from the rest of the UK. Only seven times the lead Ed Miliband has at the moment. As the Subway Sect once said, ‘Nobody’s Scared’.

And the biggest social class in Scotland are totally opposed. Yep, the middle classes – the monthly paid white-collar salariat – won’t touch separation.

 

7. But, Scotland’s become a different country!

Wrong.

Scotland is like a big London – with some islands. Financial services. High-end science. Booming property market. Great universities. Creative industries. Renewables. A great British success story.

 

8. Haven’t I heard it’s a Scandinavian social democratic country?

I bet you have.

Looked at the numbers? At the last general election one million people voted for social democracy. 1.4m voted for other parties opposed to Labour.

Oh, and Scandinavia isn’t social democratic either. Norway and Sweden have conservative governments, and Denmark’s social democratic government are under siege.

9. Anyway, aren’t the Liberal Democrats going to do better in real seats than in the polls?

Seriously?

Clegg sold sincerity. He outperformed all postwar Liberal/Liberal Democrat leaders. And then did what they would never do. Never ever. He joined the Tories in government. Not supply, but supplicant. Then broke their word on tuition fees. Try being a pebble in a landslide, suckers.

 

10. But doesn’t Cameron look like a leader, and Ed doesn’t?

If born to rule does it for you, then sure.

But leadership is as leadership does.

Cameron has foreign and domestic policy imposed on him by Ukip – a party with not one MP.

Ed, on the other hand, bosses politics. On housebuilding, rent reform, living wage, company takeovers, energy prices – even smoking in cars – he chooses andd he imposes.

Who’s the daddy now?

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John McTernan is former political secretary at 10 Downing Street and was director of communications for former prime minister of Australia Julia Gillard. He writes The Last Word column on Progress and tweets @johnmcternan

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Photo: Jon S