It is often difficult to meet new people in politics. The hours are unsociable, the conversation dull to the outsider and levels of personal hygiene, erratic.
So for all Progress Report’s readers, I am delighted to be able to point you towards an exciting new dating site.
Where can you hope to meet, say, a man sensitive enough to answer the question ‘what are you seeking?’ by saying:
‘I’ve been trying to answer this question for about 10 minutes and all I can do is daydream about cuddling. Maybe I’m only tired but at this moment I’m so lonesome I’d wrap my arms around anyone that would stand still. This is unbearable. I can’t do this anymore.’
How much sensitivity do you want in a man, girls? Maybe a little needy, I guess. Still anyone who claims to have been brought up ‘in the bible’, and likes to hang out in libraries during the day and empty churches at night, has a sterner side too. Because movies and music are ‘too liberal’, you’ll have plenty of time free for precious political debate.
On www.conservativematch.com, you fill in a questionnaire or two before finding your perfect partner. Are you ‘conservative’, ‘very conservative’, ‘traditionalist’ or ‘Gerald Howarth’. To be fair, that last one was made up. Then you fill in a political quiz: are people really equal, is pornography immoral, should there be any gun control? Finally you can be matched with someone similar, hopefully in time for those long winter evenings…
Talking, however vaguely, about big government, here is a quiz on VAT exempt foodstuffs – no really, stay with it, this is great.
1. When is frozen yoghurt zero-rated (ZR)?
2. What is the difference between flogging a live and a dead horse (in VAT terms)?
3. What is the maximum amount of chocolate that can be used on a gingerbread man before it moves from ZR to standard-rated (SR)?
4. Which of the following is ZR: granita, sorbet, mousse and water ices?
5. When is communion wine ZR and when SR?
The answers are at the bottom of the page.
It is the job of HM Customs and Excise to say which food are and are not essential and therefore VAT exempt. It sounds like a simple governmental task. As ever, though, the devil is in the detail. Distinctions have to be made down to the last level:
http://www.hmce.gov.uk/forms/notices/701-14.htm
Of course, the burning question remains. Why are sweets standard rate, when ‘chocolate body paint’ is exempt? Imagine that conversation over at Customs House…
Answers:
1. Frozen yoghurt is ZR when it is designed to be thawed before it is eaten.
2. A live horse is not judged to be for human consumption, therefore SR. A carcass designated for human consumption is ZR. Crocodiles, ostriches etc – similar.
3. Chocolate may only be used to signify the eyes on a ZR gingerbread man – any larger and it is SR.
4. Only mouse is ZR. Go figure.
5. Unfermented communion wine is ZR. The fun juice is SR, sacred or not.
I hope that is all quite clear.