The surest sign that the Christmas joy is over is when the party leaders release their new year messages. This year they were unforgivably dull. If you haven’t seen them, and I really, really hope that you haven’t, here’s a quick summary.
David Cameron
He loves an industrial backdrop, doesn’t he? Dave’s new year message features him speaking in front of heavy machinery in that soft, slightly haunting tone which perfectly complements his soft bagel face. Instead of looking prime ministerial, it makes him look like he’s broken into a warehouse late at night like a baddie from a Spiderman film. ‘In 2014 we will continue to deal with the deficit and if that doesn’t work I’ve developed a new gas gun that will silence Ed Balls once and for all’. To be fair, he sounded as upbeat as possible about the year ahead but, because of his slightly detached demeanour and tendency to stand to the side of the shot, I always expect him to say at the end of his messages: ‘If you’ve been missold PPI in the last five years, you could be entitled to compensation.’
Nick Clegg
Entertainingly predictable, Nick says he wants to be different from the other leaders. He isn’t going to promise fireworks for 2014 and wants the year to be ‘steady as she goes.’ What he doesn’t realise is that it doesn’t make him sound statesmanlike, it makes him sound like a supply teacher at the end of his wick. ‘Look, guys, can everyone just calm down, get the crayons out and draw something? What’s that, Ed Davey? You’ve drawn a wind turbine? Good boy.’ If what he’s saying doesn’t grab you, the way he says it won’t help either. He sounds like he’s … reading an autocue, even when he’s … not. I can’t believe that anyone would be impressed by a video like this although most people can’t believe that anyone would spend time sitting and watching it. Fair point. His consistent mediocrity is what bugs me the most. Nick Clegg is the universe’s way of showing us that although Godfrey Bloom offends lots of people, the opposite end of the spectrum can be just as dreadful.
Ed Miliband
In Labour’s new year message, Ed has a lovely wander around the South Bank in London just before Christmas. On his own. No mates, no aides, no colleagues. Alone. The footage of him drifting across a bridge made him look like a man who’s come into town for a meeting on the wrong day. Poor old Ed. I know you can’t have him in the middle of a house party doing Jagerbombs and twerking but a bit of company as he walked around would have made him look less lost. The cost of living crisis is the theme of the message and Ed proudly says that, ‘every morning I get up I’m going to be thinking about you. How do I make your life better, your life easier?’ Which is very noble and almost certainly untrue. I’d prefer it if he said, ‘every morning I get up I’m going to be thinking about what to have for breakfast. Sometimes I’m absolutely gasping for a full English, other times I’m already imagining what I’m going to sink at lunchtime. Five Stellas and a Nando’s I reckon.’
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Matt Forde is a stand-up comedian and talkSPORT presenter. He used to work for the Labour party www.mattforde.com