After all the build-up and speculation, talk of broadcasters and venues, the showdown was finally announced. Nick Clegg v Nigel Farage, live on Sky News and LBC. I think that hoping that it was going to be British politics’ first ever pay-per-view event was proof I was getting over-excited. If only the show had opened with a booming voice: ‘Ladies and gentlemen, for the thousands in attendance at London’s O2 arena and the millions watching around the world on Sky Box Office, Sky Box Office HD and HBO, in a bout for the vacant European title, join us after the break for Nick “The Coalition” Clegg against Nigel “The Barrage” Farage’. In reality it proved to be quite a dull affair, but I should always have known this, because Nick Clegg was involved.

I respect Clegg for forcing the debate and it’s something I can’t remember happening before in my lifetime. Prior to the debate a lot of predictions were made. Maybe it would lead to a proper exchange of ideas on Europe and maybe it would help expose some of the myths about Europe. Maybe Clegg would emerge as the leader of the pro-European movement in Britain and would see his reputation reborn. That’s what Clegg wanted. If it had been a decent politician taking on Farage it might have happened. Farage put in a decent shift, lots of hyperbole all delivered with that trademark chirpy authority and a few big, smoky cackles. It’s easy to warm to Farage in an era when there are so few big personalities at the top level. He’s a great performer and I love his voice. He’s like Oasis, though: he sounds great but the lyrics are awful. I have to keep reminding myself not to get drawn in. He’s just so enjoyable though, a proper guilty pleasure. We’ve all got them. Abba, Hollyoaks, Nigel Farage.

If Farage is political dynamite then Clegg is political kryptonite, sucking the life and fun out of anything that should be entertaining. His jokes are always dreadful – that is guaranteed. His woeful gag at the Liberal Democrat spring conference – that ‘the Tory party is like a shopping trolley: you try and push it forward but it veers off to the right’ – still gives me night terrors. He seems to have ignored the fact that if the Tory party is a shopping trolley, he’s sitting in the baby seat. There have been times when I’ve been in danger of respecting him for his boldness. His ‘Call Clegg’ show on LBC was a brave move, as was the debate with Farage. If it was a more gifted politician taking on these risks, they would have become more popular, but Nick Clegg always seems to forget his biggest weakness: that he’s Nick Clegg.

All these ideas are great on paper but when they come out of Clegg’s identikit persona they make me shiver. This is one of the biggest challenges I have these days – I end up preferring the people that I disagree with. On Europe I’m far closer to Clegg than I am to Farage but I watched it with mixed emotions. I never had a stepdad but Clegg makes me feel like a moody teenager when I hear him speak. He just doesn’t understand me. And he’s not my real prime minister.

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