Knowing the date has taken some of the fun out of the general election, but not all of it, says Matt Forde
There’s less than a year to go until the general election. From now on, the entire focus is on 7 May 2015. Which is the first problem. We already know when it’s going to be. Arguably it’s better for democracy to have fixed-term parliaments. Having prime ministers choose the date of the election allowed them to select the best possible time to go to the country. Or not in Gordon Brown’s case. It has taken some of the fun out of the political calendar but a looming general election campaign has some staples that I hope will never change.
First, the campaign song. Some songs capture the personality of a campaign, the optimism, the summer. Others don’t. For every Things Can Only Get Better there’s a Lifted. What a letdown of a campaign song that was. It had the opposite effect – the song should have been called Deflated. On the rare occasion that it’s on the radio, and before I’ve had chance to turn it off, it takes me back to John Prescott punching a man full-on in the mouth. So it’s not all bad.
I’m in that mood now where every time I hear an upbeat song I think, ‘Ooh, that could be a campaign song.’ Please tell me I’m not the only one who does this. However, when choosing potential anthems, do be careful to listen to the lyrics. I had almost convinced myself that Pompeii by Bastille would be ideal for the 2015 campaign. It’s a big, modern anthem. But one of the lines is ‘How am I going to be an optimist about this?’ You can’t have that blaring out as Ed Miliband takes the stage. He’s got previous, though. A few years ago Miliband waved to the crowd after his party conference speech while Florence and the Machine’s cover version of You’ve Got The Love filled the arena. A song which contains the phrase: ‘Sometimes I feel the going is just too rough and things go wrong no matter what I do.’ Head in hands.
Second, the campaign slogan. Let’s all just be honest now: we haven’t had a good campaign slogan since 2005 and even ‘Forward not Back’ pushed it, as did that sickly red and green square logo we put it in on all our posters and literature. The three major parties seem to be involved in cartel-like behaviour to limit the market to the words ‘fair’, ‘change’ and ‘hard-working.’ Somewhere there’s a basement full of political advisers with fresh new ideas who have been bound and gagged until after the election. Even ‘fresh new ideas’ sounds like something David Cameron would say. It’s contagious. Political writing is becoming so functional that it wouldn’t surprise me if our next new banner read: ‘Labour: We’ve got some good ideas and we’ll try really hard.’
Third, the manifesto. Manifestos are almost pointless now, more a statement of values, delivered through long, tedious sentences. Even the design of them is worse. Compare our 1997 manifesto, full of bright pictures, to our 2005 little red book. If they’re going to be tedious, at least let’s make them as appealing as possible. Go all out on design, make them shiny and bright. I won’t be happy until manifestos come with a free pack of football stickers and a Swizzle Stick stuck on the side. Have pullout sections and celebrity-style interviews. Headlines like ‘Andy Burnham: my cellulite hell’ and ‘Which Labour MP tried to marry their carpet? Find out inside.’ This may all sound very far-fetched but I’m almost certain that the next Ukip manifesto will probably resemble a copy of Nuts. We could call ours ‘Balls.’
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Matt Forde is a stand-up comedian and talkSPORT presenter. He used to work for the Labour party www.mattforde.com
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