At last, good news for the deputy prime minister, finds Matt Forde
Opinion polling has changed. I’ve just woken up to the news that Nigel Farage was the least popular party leader when it came to who parents would let babysit their child. I can feel the nerds twitching, so here are the figures: Nigel Farage polled two per cent. Nick Clegg was top with 58 per cent, David Cameron next on 46 per cent and Ed Miliband third on 44 per cent. Clegg must be delighted. Finally, a poll he can top that isn’t about who people think is the biggest [swear word redacted]. Whenever I see a poll like this I’m always left with the same questions: who on earth would ask that question and what are we supposed to do with the answers? Even as someone who enjoys the sillier elements of politics, this seems completely pointless.
It’s not as though it’s going to change anyone’s vote. ‘Yeah, I agree with you about the broken promises and lack of ideas but I just think Nick Clegg would be a great babysitter. He’s just got one of those faces, I can just tell that he’s great at changing nappies and checking the temperature of the milk. I bet he would check it on his elbow.’ Of course we have gut instincts about our leaders, and they can matter often more than policy in determining our vote, but the assumed babysitting skills of our leaders seems to be a bizarre area to be polling the public on. Is this going to become a regular fixture? ‘Welcome to the News at Ten. More bad news for the prime minister this evening as the monthly babysitting figures are released. His popularity fell six points to 40 per cent with 27 per cent of people thinking he was most likely to drop a child on its head. Nick Robinson has more.’ It’s a reflection of the era in which we live that it doesn’t feel that ridiculous.
Once you start introducing questions about babysitting into opinion polls, why stop there? We’re going to have to suffer all sorts of preposterous statistics from now on. ‘Voters still believe that George Osborne is more trusted with the economy but they also think he’s least likely to return a DVD you lent him.’ In these sexualised times, I shudder to think what sort of lurid research is being conducted. Imagine enjoying your cornflakes one morning, taking a sip of breakfast tea and hearing on the Today programme: ‘The shadow chancellor, Ed Balls, has reacted angrily to a new opinion poll suggesting that he is the least well-endowed member of parliament. He’s offered to prove it’s not the case this afternoon in Parliament Square.’ I’d be outraged but I’d probably still turn up.
Opinion polls could make and break political careers. Picture the row between the prime minister and a member of the cabinet. ‘Prime minister, I refuse to resign … I don’t care how big a story it is … I’m not going to resign because people think I’m the minister most likely to slap a pensioner … What do you mean it’s not worth the risk? I don’t even go to Post Offices.’ Maybe I should stop taking this all so seriously. It’s just a bit of fun after all. Most of the public won’t even be aware of these polls and if they are I don’t think they’re likely to do anything with the information. ‘Hello, yes, I’m looking for the deputy prime minister… Yes, it is an emergency. We’re going to Oceana on Saturday night and need someone to watch the kids.’ Doubt it.
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Matt Forde is a stand-up comedian and talkSPORT presenter. He used to work for the Labour party www.mattforde.com
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Photo: Liberal Democrats